Welcome to the Eggton Pre-Christmas edition!
Here’s what we’re going to do: (1) we will outsource the funny to a comedic genius; (2) we will mourn the fact that Scott and I failed the team-building exercise of making a gingerbread house; (3) Thunder will make a brief holiday appearance; and (4) there will be food.
Then I really must get back to drafting the business plan for my next project: monetizing the 2 lbs. of glitter that fell out of the Christmas cards I just wrote. I think I can mix this stuff with some kind of facial glue and resell it as sparkly eyeshadow. CHA-CHING!
1. The Funny
First of all, I have been wearing these footie pajamas for 16 hours now.
I thought the footies were Santas, or reindeer, or something Christmas-related. Turns out they’re monkeys. Whatever. The point is that you should not read anything that is pee-in-your-pants-funny when you’re wearing onesie pajamas that take 10 minutes to get on and off.
Bear this in mind as you read the funniest Christmas piece ever. It’s by Colin Nissan and it appeared on McSweeny’s in 2009. It’s about a guy whose girlfriend gives him the birds and things listed in the “12 Days of Christmas.” It doesn’t get much funnier than this.
2. The Gingerbread Housing Crisis
I roped Scott into making a gingerbread house with me the other day. I thought two people could assemble it faster than one person.
Fail. Do you know how many physicists it takes to make a gingerbread house?
None. It is impossible for a physicist to make a gingerbread house, because the physicist will spend the entire time diagramming it and coming up with mathematical equations for, like, the space-time dimensions in which the gingerbread house will exist.
Also, it is probably illegal in some states for a person to eat as much candy as Scott ate. He was all shaky. It took him 20 minutes to get that cat in the wheelbarrow without knocking all the jelly beans out.
Plus, this was going to be a family-friendly gingerbread farm until Scott put the duck in a jello shot-filled Reese’s cup.
We entered our gingerbread farm in a contest hosted by awesome food and humor blogger movita beaucoup. If you want to check it out, go to movita’s site, where you can vote for us and watch us get beaten by 7-year-olds with better motor skills.
3. Thunder Gets Her Christmas On
This is my new favorite vegetable: Dijon-roasted cauliflower.
The mustard dressing is tasty, but not overwhelming. It’s savory, but not spicy. And the bold color looks nice on the plate. It takes less than 10 minutes to prepare the ingredients, and then you leave it in the oven for 30. Total win in my book.
I haven’t yet pureed it and spun a soup recipe off of it, but that would probably be delicious. This recipe appeared in the March 2011 volume of Food & Wine magazine, and I didn’t change a thing this time.
1 head of cauliflower (about 2 lbs.)
3 tbsp. Dijon mustard (I use Maille brand)
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 garlic clove
salt & pepper
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Rinse the cauliflower and cut stems off the base. (Note: big pieces look pretty. You can cut small ones, if you like, but I suggest sawing the stalks off at the base instead of cutting down into the cauliflower. You’ll have a natural-looking florette without hard knife angles.)
Mince the garlic.
In a bowl, whisk the mustard, olive oil, garlic, and a dash of salt and pepper. Toss the cauliflower in the dressing to coat. Spread cauliflower on a baking sheet and roast for 30 minutes or less. (Note that to get the heads to blacken, you have to put them face down on the pan. Check it with a fork to get the consistency you like). Serve.