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Powerful Minds

Yesterday Scott and I drove downtown for an appointment with my OB/GYN, who always runs an hour late but who has earned my undying devotion with his leisurely ultrasounds.  My former doctor did ultrasounds that lasted about 10 seconds–just long enough for me to identify a kicking, scooting blob on the screen and go “Oh!  I think I see it!  Is that the bab—” and then POOF.  ALL DONE HERE.  PLEASE STOP AT THE FRONT DESK ON YOUR WAY OUT.  So I had to let him go.  The new doctor takes his time and explains things, and partway through my appointments he tells me to get dressed and meet him in his office so I can ask questions like a normal person who isn’t looking around the examination room wondering where she put her clothes.

Anyway, yesterday I had an amniocentesis, which is where the doctor runs a long, thin needle into your uterus while your horrified partner turns as damp and green as a houseplant.  The needle is very long and the doctor jabs it through your abdominal muscles pretty quickly and with a lot of force, as if he’s resetting the tiniest dislocated bone in there.  But it’s delicate–like a fine guitar string–and it didn’t hurt at all.  The sonographer gave me her hand anyway, and assured me that the baby was hanging out on the other side of its little cave and wasn’t in danger of being poked.  Then she gave me a lollipop and the doctor wrote the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope for us to open later.

As soon as we got into the car I was like YAY LET’S OPEN THE ENVELOPE IN THIS PARKING GARAGE but Scott wanted something to look forward to at the end of the week, so I reluctantly agreed to hold off until Friday afternoon.  YES, THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.  I’m a hot second away from boiling a pot of water and steaming the envelope open like they do in Agatha Christie novels.

On the drive home from the doctor’s office, Scott was all, “I guess I should tell you that the baby’s going to have mostly my genes. They’re really strong. Even the recessive ones are just waiting for their time to pounce,” which isn’t the way it works but he seemed really excited about his genome and I don’t really have an opinion about mine so I let it go.  Then we talked about whether we want a boy or a girl, and what we will do when I go into labor, and how we will raise this kid, and how we will fix all the trouble spots in our lives in the meantime.  We were really nailing it in the planning department–just really hammering out the details–and maybe we got a little greedy because as soon as we got home the Universe was like AWWW THAT’S SO CUTE THAT YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING.  I’M SENDING YOU A SKUNK THAT’S GOING TO SPRAY THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR DOG IN 3. . . . . 2. . . . . 1. . . . .

Ppfffft!

And then there was chaos.  I ran to the computer and started yelling to Scott “TOMATO JUICE.  NO, WAIT: HYDROGEN PEROXIDE AND BAKING POWDER.  I MEAN BAKING SODA.  AND DISH SOAP?  AND THIS OTHER SITE SAYS VINEGAR,” while Scott ran around body-blocking Seymour, who had crazy eyes that said “I’M SO GOING TO ROLL ALL OVER THAT COUCH.”  Thunder started following Scott around and trying to sniff him because within minutes he, too, smelled like something you’d pull out of a trash compactor at the zoo.

We finally wrangled Seymour into the tub and mixed up some de-skunking solution, and then I closed the bathroom door and let Seymour, Scott, and Scott’s superior genome figure out the rest.  They emerged ten minutes later, damp and limpy, and we all collapsed on the couch.  And–because we are not very good at learning lessons around here–we stared at the envelope on the bookshelf, trying to control its contents with our powerful minds.

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22 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh No – being skunked is so foul smelling – YUCKO! Sounds like you have a wonderful doctor and everything is going well 🙂

    August 28, 2014
  2. You know, when I met you guys, I could tell instantly that Scott had the superior genome. I didn’t like to say anything but it’s a relief to have it out in the open.

    Can’t wait to hear what genre you’re having!

    August 28, 2014
    • Donna Gold #

      Oh, Carol Anne, you win the internet today.

      August 28, 2014
  3. This is all so exciting – the skunk (my favourite literary character is Pepé le Pew – and don’t say he’s not a literary character, because someone WROTE his awesome lines), Scott’s powerful genetics, the uterus needle AND a baby boy or girl! I’m almost certain it will be one of those. I can’t wait for tomorrow… actually I wouldn’t. I have zero willpower.

    August 28, 2014
  4. Oh my gosh, I would have steamed that envelope open the moment I was alone with it. You have a very strong will indeed. Also, freshly skunked dog is the worst! I’ve tried all the solutions out there, and while some do a pretty good job, the pooch always ends up smelling mildly of skunk for a couple of weeks anyway. You would think science would have solved this by now.

    August 28, 2014
  5. I must have been mia for a long time here, I didn’t realize you were in the family way! You are going to be one kick ass mother 🙂

    August 28, 2014
  6. Cindy Rogers #

    Creeeepppp down in the middle of the night and steam that baby open!

    August 28, 2014
  7. I like the old fashioned what where you did not know the sex of the baby until it was born. So Much More Fun! Congrats. I have one of each and it would have been perfect any way.

    August 28, 2014
  8. Susan #

    You should either be on stage or write a book. Your talent genomes are awesome!

    August 28, 2014
  9. Fortunately, your baby will not smell as bad as a sprayed dog. Usually.

    August 28, 2014
  10. What a day! Sometimes I feel like the Universe either has a really good sense of humor or absolutely none at all. I don’t know how you can wait until tomorrow to open that envelope – it must be the powerful minds!

    August 28, 2014
  11. jenny_o #

    Oh, wow, talk about your surprise ending! Did not see that coming 🙂

    I’m from the last of the generation that was not told what we were getting. I really don’t think the ultrasounds were good enough then to tell most of the time. We were so sure we’d have boys (strong genes on my husband’s side!) that I didn’t believe the doctor the first two times he said we had a girl. By the third time he had to pull my husband aside and ask if having a girl was going to be a problem! It was no problem, we had just convinced ourselves we wouldn’t be able to have a girl and I was having trouble wrapping my head around our good luck.

    Keep us posted, please!

    August 28, 2014
  12. Wow, I would not have that kind of willpower to resist opening the envelope – kudos! Skunks do seem to have a keen sense of timing, don’t they? My dog growing up got skunked for the first (and thankfully only) time on Christmas night one year…about six hours after we had realized and commented, proudly, that not once in her thirteen years had she been sprayed by a skunk. D’oh. Glad to hear Scott’s superior genome took care of the situation!

    August 28, 2014
  13. Somehow, I knew before you said it was Seymour, that it was Seymour (my superior genomes at work). Do you see how worried he is about being displaced by the non-doggy? Skunk wrestling is just the beginning. Of course Thunder is secure in her superior place in the family. “Genomes? Pfft.”

    August 29, 2014
  14. I don’t think I could have your patience with that envelope lying around. I just have to open things as soon as I get my hands on them. More power to you…plus, after the skunk thing, you deserve a little treat

    August 29, 2014
  15. a #

    Why an amnio? That’s no fun. But, at least you won’t have to rely on pixelated blurs to tell you boy or girl!

    My husband was also convinced of his superior genetics. I laughed at him as I told him that my dad’s genes dominate everything. He ignored me… Imagine his dismay when our daughter was almost an exact copy of me, in appearance. Her brain, however, works exactly like his. It’s a very odd combination. Genetics – fun for everyone!

    Sorry to hear about the skunk spray – that’s no fun.

    August 29, 2014
  16. Well??? Friday afternoon has come and gone already. When are you going to tell us?!?!?!?

    The suspense is killing me!

    August 30, 2014
  17. Sandra R #

    I am glad you have detected the large fickle hand of fate, because parenting is filled with events as precisely planned and incredibly controlled as skunk spray. (And every time it rains for the next few weeks Seymour will have this aroma. Just to remind you.)

    September 1, 2014
  18. Did you know, there are no Skunks in Sweden?

    I should make a list of this stuff…

    Also, I’m with Scott and have sting feelings about my genome. Lucky for me I won’t be washing a skunky dog either way (;

    September 1, 2014
  19. I hope this baby is a super-hybrid of the best parts of both of you: as i’m sure it will be. Although i’m unsure if one human body can contain all that, but we’ll find out!

    i don’t know how you waited ONE SINGLE SECOND to open that envelope. I have zero patience and i want to know all the things ever right now, so i’m pretty sure i was trying to look at the ultrasound screen and determine sex for the Wee One BEFORE the doctor had a chance to, because i wanted to be the official first one to know.

    September 5, 2014

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