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I Will Deny This When We Open A Bed And Breakfast Someday

I hear the sound of the vacuum cleaner coming from the bedroom, where there are no rugs.

“Are you—”

“Yeah!” he shouts over the noise.

“You’re vacuuming the bed,”  I say.

He looks at me like it’s crazy that I haven’t seen this before.  As in, it’s insane that I’m 34 years old and I haven’t already been with a man who stands on the mattress in his boxers and fires up the old hoover.

“That can’t possibly work,” I say.

“But it does!” he exclaims, pulling back the top sheet so I can see the fitted sheet underneath–which he has, presumably, already vacuumed.

“Look!  It gets up all the surface dirt that the dogs track in here from the yard.”

“And then. . . you wash them?”  I ask, hopefully.

He looks at me again like I’m being weird.  Like, it’s weird that I’m 34 years old and I’m still wasting laundry detergent on perfectly vacuumed sheets.  

“Well, no,” he says.  “I mean, there’s no mud on them or anything.”

I don’t know if he’s talking about the sheets or the dogs.

The dogs, by the way, are annoyingly loyal to him.  They’re sitting on the comforter, which he’s placed on the floor, looking up at him like he can do no wrong.  Like, “SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN AN ADVICE COLUMN IN THE LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL.”

Aaaaand that’s why I sleep on the couch we’re accepting your housekeeping questions!  Having issues with your garbage disposal?  Want to know how to get that stain out of your favorite sweater?  Post your troubles (real or imagined) in the comments and Scott will answer them while I cry into a bottle of white wine in the shower–which, by the way, he probably just cleaned with a mop and some nail polish remover.

In the meantime, we will be eating these egg sandwiches.

Eggs + salami + garlicky toasted baguette?  Drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with salt?  Yes please.  Breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Scrambled Egg & Salami Sandwiches {Download & Print Recipe}

Ingredients:

1 Tbsp. butter

5 pieces of salami, cut into small strips

4 eggs

1 Tbsp. cream

salt & pepper

1 Tbsp. chopped parsley (optional)

1 baguette

1 garlic clove cut in half

a glug of olive oil (i.e. a flexible amount less than 1/4 c.)

your favorite cheese (optional)

Directions:

First, toast the bread.  Cut the baguette into two pieces and cut off the ends and reserve them for another use.  Make a slit in each half so they’re butterflied and you can stuff them later.  Toast each piece of bread face, cut side down) in a toaster oven or in an oven set to 350 degrees.

In the meantime, make the eggs.  In a small or medium skillet over medium heat, melt the butter.  Add the salami strips and let sizzle for a couple of minutes, until the salami has turned a little darker and smells good.  (It’s not going to permeate the room like bacon, but if you get close it should be aromatic.)  Whisk the eggs and the cream in a small bowl with a fork, and pour into the skillet.  Season with salt and pepper.  Cook the eggs to your liking and then sprinkle with the parsley.  Transfer the eggs to a bowl so they stop cooking.

Rub the cut side of a piece of garlic over the toasted bread, and save the garlic for another use.  Drizzle the bread with olive oil and fill with the eggs.  Season with more salt and pepper if desired.  You can smear goat cheese on the baguette, too, or melt some of your favorite cheese on top of the eggs if you like.  Enjoy!

~~~~

Thunder looking worried that Scott isn’t going to come home and she’s going to be stuck with me and clean sheets forever.  The horror!

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69 Comments Post a comment
  1. Blogger, Too #

    Hey, where’s Thunder’s caption?

    November 12, 2012
    • Man, I thought I could get away with that. I couldn’t think of a good one, so I left it blank because I was impatient. HA. Never again. I added one but if you can think of a better one, it’s all yours!

      November 12, 2012
    • texascritter #

      Thunder: Is that a Hoover I hear? 🙂

      November 12, 2012
    • Leaf blower. Hoover. C’mon, Dad, make up your mind!

      November 13, 2012
  2. Matt vacuums our mattress too! I haven’t witnessed him do it while the sheets are still on, but there’s probably a lot that goes on that I don’t see.

    November 12, 2012
    • Whaaaaa!!! That’s amazing. You know, I googled “vacuum the mattress” just to see if there’s a whole world out there that does this, and I got NOTHING relevant. Not one shred of evidence that this is a thing. So I’m glad (glad?) to hear of another eye-witness account.

      November 12, 2012
  3. At least your husband knows how to turn on the vacuum! We gotta take what we can get right?

    November 12, 2012
    • Betsy, that is the way I hope to look at this after a few cocktails.

      November 12, 2012
    • LIES, ALL OF IT. 🙂 ps–tennis balls in the dryer to fluff the mattress cover?! I never imagined that. We have loads of tennis balls. I’m going to try that.

      November 12, 2012
      • Linda Costa #

        Wait! Stop! Put CLEAN tennis balls in the dryer – none of those muddy ones Thunder likes to chase around the yard. LOL

        November 12, 2012
        • Ugh. I do not know why she only likes the muddy, gross tennis balls. It’s so annoying for everyone except her!

          November 20, 2012
  4. cj #

    Dear God, I laughed so hard, I think perhaps, I may have wet my sheets… does Scott have a wet/dry vac for that ‘sort’ of thing?

    November 12, 2012
    • Oh Lord. We do NOT have a wet/dry vac because I had a scarring experience with one many years ago. My friend and I spilled a bunch of flour on the kitchen floor and we thought the vacuum was set to “dry.” But it was not. It was set to “wet,” and it started producing suds, which mixed with the flour and essentially made DOUGH. All over the floor. It made it SO much harder to clean up. What a long night that was!

      November 12, 2012
  5. I’ve never done that. Noooooo…..

    *wanders off*

    November 12, 2012
    • Heh heh. Scott will be glad to see this comment, Jenny!

      November 12, 2012
  6. Wendy #

    Oh, boy! I know all about this vacuuming-the-bed business. Well, I didn’t actually vacuum our bed, I was vacuuming the big royal looking draperies (yes – we are fancy like that) that are behind our bed, that match our comforter and cover the fact that the bed is against a wall with one window that is off to the side. (NO SYMMETRY and it just looks strange). No one would ever know, however, because we covered the askew window and entire wall with the big royal draperies. But BOY, those curtains (royal draperies) get dusty! I had to pull the entire vacuum cleaner up on top of the very tall and royal bed, attach the brush-handle-sucky-thing to the vacuum, and go to town. We were living in so much dust, I didn’t even realize. I took before-and-after pictures, because those are just the best. But please don’t ask for them, because I would never share them with anyone. They are simply for my own gratification.

    Anyway, as I didn’t realize how dusty everything had become, I also didn’t realize what a greedy whore our vacuum is, because all of a sudden I smelled and saw smoke. Our vacuum had started to gobble up the sheets – had them halfway sucked up in her vacuum mouth before I noticed. It was a stinky mess, but I turned off the vacuum and got them out before the entire royal bed caught on fire.

    As I was standing up so high, I noticed how dusty our ceiling fans are – and this is my household cleaning tip for Scott. The easiest way to clean a ceiling fan is with an old pillow case. Just spray on some Pledge, then take the pillow case and rub down the blade. You get both sides of the blade done at the same time with no dust spreading onto your stinky charred sheets!

    I always feel a little like James Bond when I discover and apply these types of amazing household tips.

    BTW – I think those sandwiches look DIVINE! A definite on my menu list for next week! Thank you!

    November 12, 2012
    • Yikes– I know what you mean when you say “a stinking mess”– it’s such a singular smell, isn’t it? The smell of a vacuum that’s been on too long? Ugh. I’m glad you narrowly escaped setting the bed aflame! And thanks for the tip about the fans. We have a lot of ceiling fans in our house, so we’ll try that!

      November 12, 2012
  7. Ginger Cobl #

    It’s really not a bad idea, but take the sheets off, those do need to be washed. Running the vacuum over the bed will remove lots of dead skin and mites that feed on the dead skin, Gross right? I know, but it’s better than buying a new bed every other week or so! Happy cleaning!

    November 12, 2012
    • Hi Ginger! Good advice, good advice. The crazy gentleman did it with the sheets ON the bed, but I had never thought to do it even with the sheets off, which is apparently a good idea. Well, you learn something every day. . .

      November 12, 2012
  8. The sandwich sounds perfect for lunch, or for when any occasion when you work up an appetite trying to figure out your life partner. Your kidding about vacuuming the sheets, right? Right?

    November 12, 2012
    • No, my friend, I am not kidding. He really did that. It happened three weeks ago when we were on an epic winter cleaning rampage but I couldn’t figure out how to write about it because it was just so. . . weird!

      November 12, 2012
      • I find my Culinary Enthusiast has some household habits that I just can quite understand, but on the other hand, I know he is no end of perplexed by my kitchen hygiene fixation! (But hey, if you’re going to be a clean freak about only one thing, the kitchen is a good place, wouldn’t you say?)

        November 12, 2012
  9. My mother vacuums everything: she vacuums the upholstered chairs in the breakfast room. She vacuums the crumbs out of the oven and the toaster oven. I’ve never asked her if she’s vacuumed a bed with the sheets on, but it is certainly possible. I’d like one of those salami and egg sandwiches about now, but I think it is time for me to get offline and do some vacuuming…

    November 12, 2012
    • Well, at least you know what to get her for the holidays–I bet they’re coming out with smaller and smaller vacuums every year, eh? A few years ago I got a handheld dustbuster that could fit in my purse (not that I carried it around in my purse, because that’s weird. . . I just mean that theoretically I could have). I bet they have handy vacuum cleaners that are the size of an electric tooth brush these days!

      November 20, 2012
  10. I have only vaccumed my mattress once and that is when my apartment had to be bombed because my neighbor had roaches – ewww! Have a Great One!

    November 12, 2012
    • Ugh. That reminds me of when bedbugs hit Manhattan hard. One of my coworkers had them and in addition to getting the place bombed she was supposed to vacuum EVERY PAGE of every book on her shelf, or else throw them away. She burst into tears just telling me about what a pain it all was. Reminded me of The Velveteen Rabbit!

      November 20, 2012
  11. Lyn #

    Thunder has such a sweet face, Is she chewing on an antler?

    November 12, 2012
    • Doesn’t she, Lyn?! She’s chewing on this toy that comes in kind of a twisted wish-bone shape. They’re remarkably hardy toys–I forget the manufacturer, but I’ll check when I get a new one soon, in case you have dogs and want to know more!

      November 20, 2012
  12. Amy #

    Hahaha. Vacuuming the sheets is not something I have ever heard of…nor would I try. But I’m slightly OCD when it comes to dirt and germs and such. Those egg sandwiches sound like a tasty wknd breakfast treat. I’d vacuum them right up…with my mouth of course.

    November 12, 2012
    • Oh Amy, I wish you could mentor Scott on being slightly OCD when it comes to dirt and germs and such. . . 🙂

      November 20, 2012
  13. a #

    Well, I guess vacuuming the sheets is a good idea for keeping the bed made in a guest room even when the dogs decide to sleep there…but they still definitely need washing!

    Now I want an egg and salami sandwich…

    November 12, 2012
    • I agree with everything you just said, especially the part about how they still definitely need washing. 🙂

      November 20, 2012
  14. Oh, dear, I’m afraid I’ve married one of these.. Yes, he shouldn’t read this or I’ll find him standing, well, lots of places with a vacuum in hand!! xx

    November 12, 2012
    • Hee hee! Best of luck with that, sister.

      November 20, 2012
  15. Toast Eater #

    Seeing “First, toast the bread” in italics brings a tear to my eye.

    November 12, 2012
    • Oh I got a special one for you–did you see the most recent post? IT’S A PICTURE OF TOAST.

      I’m so good to you.

      November 20, 2012
  16. Bonnie #

    OMG, Katherine! I read this while in the waiting room at my Orthopedist’s office prior to having my knee drained (3rd time, yep!). Needless to say, I was in dire need of a chuckle and I sure let it out – think I may have startled a few other patients, but it was well worth it! Genius post!

    November 12, 2012
    • Oh Bonnie, that sounds like not the most fun afternoon so I’m glad you had a little laugh to brighten things. Thanks for such kind words!

      November 20, 2012
  17. I thought maybe he was vacuuming the bed beds. But aren’t they like microscopic?
    If you look at the half full… he’s genuinely interested in cleanliness. Ok so maybe he has his own definition but….at least he’s trying.
    There is definitely different rules for women and men regarding sheet washing as far as I’ve ever seen. Like about a 3-5 week discrepancy as to when they require washing. or vacuuming.

    November 12, 2012
    • Wendy, you are so right. Come to think of it, there’s a 3-5 week discrepancy for a lot of things. Including when to throw out milk, hot dogs, stale baked goods. . . I could go on.

      November 20, 2012
  18. I haven’t been this genuinely entertained by a blog post in a long time. Your blog/writing is awesome. (Also, our vacuum cleaner sucks– though not literally, unfortunately– so my girlfriend has started sweeping our rug instead of vacuuming it. I thought she was crazy at first, but it works!) …not washing the sheets at all is a little crazy though.

    Can’t wait to hear more of your household cleaning tips! : )

    November 13, 2012
    • Your comment reminds me of the time we were going to visit my husband’s eccentric elderly uncle. Uncle John called with pride to say he had bought a new vacuum cleaner so he could clean up for our impending arrival and, I quote, “It sucks tremendously.” He had no idea why I burst out laughing. I think some vacuum cleaner company with a sense of humor should use it as their tagline.

      November 13, 2012
      • : ) Unfortunately, I doubt any vacuum cleaner company has enough of a sense of humor for that…

        November 13, 2012
    • Thanks for the kind words, Allison! I am proud to say that as far as I know, Scott has never swept a rug with a broom. But maybe he’s just saving that one for a special occasion. (Over-the-top eyeroll).

      Stacy, your Uncle John’s comment absolutely cracked me up. That’s so awesome.

      November 20, 2012
  19. This sandwich is my ideal breakfast! Eggs and salami are one of my favorite combinations. And on garlicky bread. Oh, yeah!

    I can’t wait to hear Scott’s valuable *cough* housekeeping advice.

    November 13, 2012
    • Stacy, I hear your *cough* and I raise you another *cough*. Thanks for the moral support.

      November 20, 2012
  20. I’m severely allergic to dust mites, and my allergist said vacuuming the bed doesn’t work (there’s a little ammunition for you, Katherine). You have to buy special baggies for the mattress and pillows. And you have to WASH all bedding weekly. Best not to have any drapery (alas, no royal beds, Wendy) or carpet or things that attract dust (not sure if that includes husbands).

    Vacuuming and dusting is necessary elsewhere, though. And I’ve seen cats that actually like to be vacuumed. I wonder if Thunder…

    November 13, 2012
    • You know what? I bet if I walked up to Thunder with the vacuum hose she’d be like “HECK NO,” but Seymour would try to throw himself in the path of it and get vacummed. He’s just. . . that kind of dog. Very enthusiastic. Leaps into lawn sprinklers and whatnot.

      (By the way, your note about not being sure if husbands attract dust was *really* funny.)

      November 20, 2012
  21. So, I have been known to hoover a mattress. And tables. I have this table in my living room that seems to be made of narrow planks of wood, running left to right, with short planks running up and downways at the ends. I want to draw you a picture but I couldn’t get that in the comments, so we’ll just pretend that ‘up and downways’ is a real phrase. Anyway, the point is, stuff gets in between the sideways planks and TRAPPED because of the up and downways planks and then I have to hoover my table.

    Also my mum hoovers and irons her curtains. I think she takes them down before ironing them though otherwise we’re into the realms of bad jokes becoming reality and I’m not OK with that.

    November 13, 2012
    • Your table sounds like the kind of thing Scott would bring home from work. He’d be all “look how cool this is? I found it behind a dumpster at my office!! Hey, LET’S EAT OFF IT.” I’d be like “that’s not sanitary” and that’s when he’d “vacuum the bugs out of it” or something.

      I don’t mean to imply that YOUR table is from a dumpster. You know what I mean.

      November 20, 2012
  22. Joy #

    I used to work in a Housekeeping Department of a hotel. Our projects for ‘deep cleaning’ involved vacuuming the bed, with sheets removed. It does help with the dead skin and such. Totally disgusting, but we did it! I have NEVER heard of vacuuming with sheets on.. too funny.
    ps – give Thunder some kisses from me 🙂

    November 13, 2012
    • Joy, she’s curled up right here next to me taking a nap, so I just kissed her for you. 🙂

      November 20, 2012
  23. hah – I hate to vacuum – frankly I pretty much hate all sort of cleaning duties LOL with 4 dogs I have pretty much given up living a normal dog hair free life – so any time Scott wants to vacuum random stuff he can come right over LOL

    November 13, 2012
  24. We have a lot of questions. Let’s start with: what’s the best way to get rid of cat barf stains on carpets? And also: the taps in our downstairs bathroom make a very loud groaning sound when they aren’t turned on at full throttle. Like, really loud. Please advise.

    Also, can Scott address cat-related problems? Because we’ve got a couple of doozies.

    November 13, 2012
    • Reply is pending because Scott has taken these issues under advisement. If he shows up at the Cat Farm with a plunger, please let him in, feed him, let him LOOK AT (but not touch) the downstairs bathroom, and put him back on a plane before he does any real damage to your house.

      November 20, 2012
  25. What the hell?? I’m supposed to put sheets on the mattress??

    November 13, 2012
    • You just be yourself, Mad Queen Linda. You sleep wrapped in your ermine royal robes if you want. No judgment here.

      November 20, 2012
  26. I’m still laughing. At least you have a vacuum and someone in your family uses it. I was mightily embarrassed when my two-year-old saw one and was agape in disbelief: “what’s THAT?” Huh. In our defense, we have wood floors and no animals in our bed.

    November 13, 2012
    • That reminds me of when my friend took her daughter to the speech therapist and her daughter (who wasn’t speaking very much–that’s why they went) said “cheers!” and lifted her cup the lady looked at my friend like “mmmmkay, how much WINE are you feeding your child?”

      November 20, 2012
  27. Oh my gosh that is freaking weird / hilarious / super endearing.

    November 14, 2012
    • That’s exactly the troublesome combination that keeps me coming back! 🙂

      November 20, 2012
  28. Hoovering the bed is actually not a bad idea. We in fact do run a B&B and my husband hoovers the shower stall after the guests have gone (obviously while they’re still showering might be tricky). Very funny post. Sophie

    April 16, 2014
    • You run a B&B?!?! Can I look it up on the internet? I’d love to see it!

      April 16, 2014
      • It’s on airbnb – look for Oasis in the Hollywood Hills and you should find us.

        April 18, 2014

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