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The Pre-Christmas Edition

Welcome to the Eggton Pre-Christmas edition!

Here’s what we’re going to do: (1) we will outsource the funny to a comedic genius; (2) we will mourn the fact that Scott and I failed the team-building exercise of making a gingerbread house; (3) Thunder will make a brief holiday appearance; and (4) there will be food.

Then I really must get back to drafting the business plan for my next project: monetizing the 2 lbs. of glitter that fell out of the Christmas cards I just wrote.  I think I can mix this stuff with some kind of facial glue and resell it as sparkly eyeshadow.  CHA-CHING!

1. The Funny

First of all, I have been wearing these footie pajamas for 16 hours now.

I thought the footies were Santas, or reindeer, or something Christmas-related.  Turns out they’re monkeys.  Whatever.  The point is that you should not read anything that is pee-in-your-pants-funny when you’re wearing onesie pajamas that take 10 minutes to get on and off.

Bear this in mind as you read the funniest Christmas piece ever.  It’s by Colin Nissan and it appeared on McSweeny’s in 2009.  It’s about a guy whose girlfriend gives him the birds and things listed in the “12 Days of Christmas.”  It doesn’t get much funnier than this.

2. The Gingerbread Housing Crisis

I roped Scott into making a gingerbread house with me the other day.  I thought two people could assemble it faster than one person.

Fail.  Do you know how many physicists it takes to make a gingerbread house?

None.  It is impossible for a physicist to make a gingerbread house, because the physicist will spend the entire time diagramming it and coming up with mathematical equations for, like, the space-time dimensions in which the gingerbread house will exist.

Also, it is probably illegal in some states for a person to eat as much candy as Scott ate.  He was all shaky.  It took him 20 minutes to get that cat in the wheelbarrow without knocking all the jelly beans out.

Plus, this was going to be a family-friendly gingerbread farm until Scott put the duck in a jello shot-filled Reese’s cup.

We entered our gingerbread farm in a contest hosted by awesome food and humor blogger movita beaucoup.  If you want to check it out, go to movita’s site, where you can vote for us and watch us get beaten by 7-year-olds with better motor skills.

3. Thunder Gets Her Christmas On

4. Food

This is my new favorite vegetable: Dijon-roasted cauliflower.

The mustard dressing is tasty, but not overwhelming.  It’s savory, but not spicy.  And the bold color looks nice on the plate.  It takes less than 10 minutes to prepare the ingredients, and then you leave it in the oven for 30.  Total win in my book.

I haven’t yet pureed it and spun a soup recipe off of it, but that would probably be delicious.  This recipe appeared in the March 2011 volume of Food & Wine magazine, and I didn’t change a thing this time.

Dijon-Roasted Cauliflower

Ingredients:

1 head of cauliflower (about 2 lbs.)

3 tbsp. Dijon mustard (I use Maille brand)

2 tbsp. olive oil

1 garlic clove

salt & pepper

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Rinse the cauliflower and cut stems off the base.  (Note: big pieces look pretty.  You can cut small ones, if you like, but I suggest sawing the stalks off at the base instead of cutting down into the cauliflower.  You’ll have a natural-looking florette without hard knife angles.)

Mince the garlic.

In a bowl, whisk the mustard, olive oil, garlic, and a dash of salt and pepper.  Toss the cauliflower in the dressing to coat.  Spread cauliflower on a baking sheet and roast for 30 minutes or less.  (Note that to get the heads to blacken, you have to put them face down on the pan.  Check it with a fork to get the consistency you like).  Serve.
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24 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jura #

    McSweeney’s link was hilarious. Especially starting with day 6 and on. I didn’t pee my pants (thank god), but I did laugh so hard that liquids came out of some other body parts (no dirty thoughts, please – just eyes). I guess that counts. I think that poem’s humor style is very similar to yours. Merry Xmas!!!!

    December 21, 2011
    • Merry Christmas to you too, Jura! I’m glad you liked the link. It cracks me up.

      December 21, 2011
  2. Thunder is adorable – I shall have to post some pictures of Gizmo – my costume wearing dog – the other three are too pretty for embellishment – Gizmo on the other hand needs to work it a little…
    I really need to find a branch horn thing from the Grinch – that would be most awesome!

    December 21, 2011
    • Ha! I haven’t seen those branch horn things in the pet stores around here, but MAN that would be funny.

      December 21, 2011
  3. Thunder is just so cute and awesome. And your sock monkey pjs, yeah, I can’t get them off my lady either..but on the other hand, jello-shot filled peanut butter cups? *bleep*in A, why didn’t I ever think of that…now to ponder what flavor goes best with peanut butter.

    December 21, 2011
    • Keith, I talked to Scott and he says GRAPE JELLO.

      And I think I have to agree, my friend.

      December 21, 2011
      • Grape, got it, thank him for me because this is going to be a fun new years now.

        December 21, 2011
  4. oh my god. so jealous of your gingerbread house. mine was a total fail.

    December 21, 2011
    • Lynn, you know what I bet was NOT a total fail? That white chocolate pretzel peanut butter you got there. Dang, woman, that looks awesome. Is Julius a jack russell?

      December 22, 2011
  5. Nikki #

    I have to say its kind of unfair that the gingerbread house is in a bracket with a gingerbread SHOE…….. but I still voted for you guys… TWICE! Also didnt Scott tell you all of us have coordinated footie PJs? The Dr said last christmas to dress Connor how we would dress to sleep…… I think I got the message confused!

    December 21, 2011
    • Cindy #

      I think you just forgot that you dress to sleep in pretty much the same way you dress to wake. Or to get a pedicure 🙂

      December 21, 2011
      • Nikki #

        Is my own mother really mocking me on a public blog? Do you SEE why I wear footie PJs?? I was GOING TO GO WORKOUT!

        December 21, 2011
      • Ok, the both of you clearly need to pour yourselves a glass of wine and get yourselves into those matching footie PJs, like, yesterday. Which reminds me–do these PJs MATCH or are they just COORDINATED? Like, are there other animals out there I need to know about, or are you guys a straight-up monkey family? Thanks.

        December 22, 2011
      • Nikki #

        The monkeys are a pair, and then there is a penguin. Its glorious. 3 grown ups with footie PJs, we will try to break them out when you are up

        December 23, 2011
  6. Thunder totally looks like she has brown (coordinated with her coat, of course) angel wings in the first shot of her getting her Christmas on. If I could add a photo here, i would send you one of my poor Boxer suffering through a Christmas head band that includes a tiny Santa cap askew. Thank God dogs can’t sue for mental anguish. Merry Christmas!

    December 22, 2011
    • Stacey, totally. However, I would like to point out that I would also have a strong case against Thunder for mental anguish. Also for physical damages to my personal property. And for reimbursement of veterinary expenses. But otherwise she’s a gem.

      December 22, 2011
  7. I’m enjoying your blog. Thanks for including me.
    Hope you are enjoying your Christmas tree.
    Schwerman Christmas Tree Plantation
    Lacey’s Spring

    December 22, 2011
    • Pat, hello! Our tree is gorgeous. It’s held up beautifully- not a single drooping or dropped sprig. Thanks for a wonderful day at your farm (and letting me hold the baby goat, which I promise I wasn’t REALLY going to walk away with… 🙂

      How are the little guys doing?

      See you next year!

      December 22, 2011
  8. Melanie #

    I’m so glad I found your blog (through the bloggess). Everything about it is awesome! Happy Holidays!

    December 22, 2011
    • Melanie, I am so glad you like it! Yay. Thank you for saying so.
      Happy holidays to you too.

      December 22, 2011
  9. Wow, this is so great the cauliflower dish is interesting I may have to try it one day, as I love honey mustard and use it a lot in dishes. Thanks

    Merry Christmas to you and the family!

    December 22, 2011
  10. Here I am, with an incredibly timely comment. I KNEW I could go to your blog for a recipe for a dinner I’m attending next Monday. Thank you thank you. (Nice gingerbread house, too.)

    October 15, 2012

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