December 17 + Tomato Beans
On Saturday morning, Scott bolted out of bed faster than the time a bug walked over his face and got caught in my hair and we both screamed.
My first thought was the bug circus is back, so I sprang up yelling “GAME ON, YOU BASTARDS. I SLEEP WITH PEPPER SPRAY NOW.”
But there were no bugs. My next thought was that something awesome had happened, like the city council had lifted the regulation barring mini-goats from residential areas. I really need them to do this. It’s Scott’s Number One Christmas Wish, and if it comes true I can stop spending most of my holiday budget on goat flyers and agricultural lobbyists.
It turns out it was just DECEMBER 17, or THE DAY SCOTT GETS HIS CHRISTMAS SHITE TOGETHER.
I should have listened to the sugar plum fairy in my brain who said, “DO NOT GO WITH HIM–LOOK AT HIS CRAZY CHRISTMAS EYES.” I should have stayed home and continued a project I call “Mulled Whatever”– where I use lunchtime in December as an excuse to dump random liquids into a pot with cinnamon sticks and rum.
But I went with him to the mall, where we sped around for eight hours. It was as physically and emotionally exhausting as running the Iditarod with Michael Bublé humming holiday tunes in the back seat. After you’ve asked him to stop.
I am not ready to talk about it, but let me just say that next December 17, I am not leaving the house without walkie-talkies, trail mix, a thermos of Mulled Whatever, ear plugs, and the cattle prod I saw at Best Buy this year while Scott played with 19 computers and 35 cables he had no intention of buying.
When we finally got home, Scott had a congratulatory quart of eggnog and fell asleep on the couch with the dog.
The dog always thinks she’s run the Iditarod, so this kind of sleep was normal for her.
They slept co-dependently in a hundred different positions for several hours.
Thunder woke up periodically and looked at Scott to see if it was time to get up. It was not, so she went back to sleep.
They slept through dinner, so I made these beans for myself. They’re full of protein and only take ten minutes to make.
We call them tomato beans. We mix beans with tomato, parmesan, herbs, and a touch of olive oil and lemon juice. The oregano and parmesan in them reminds me of pizza, but they’re magically healthier. Everything in the recipe is in this pot!
You warm the pot for a few minutes, and they’re done.
Let it be a strength to you this holiday season, because things are only going to get nuttier from here on out.
2 cans great northern beans
1 can diced tomatoes
1/4 c. grated parmesan
1/2 tsp. olive oil
1/2 tsp. dried rosemary } 1/2+ tsp. “pizza” or “Italian” seasoning mix can be
1/2 tsp. dried oregano } substituted for the rosemary + oregano, to taste.
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1 tbsp. lemon juice
dash of pepper
Open the beans and place them in a colander. Rinse beans and drain. Place beans in a pot.
Open the can of tomatoes. Drain of most of the water. Add tomatoes to pot.
If using fresh or dried rosemary, chop it very finely, otherwise your beans could be crunchy.
Add the remaining ingredients to the pot, stir, and heat on moderate heat until warmed. Serve.