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5 Reasons Not To Cup

I have to take four Tums before I discuss current events, and lately reading the newspaper gives me alopecia.  However, we need to talk about an article I read in the Washington Post.

The article was about cupping.

Until now, I thought cupping was an awkward thing people did after first base but before any shirts came offIn other words, something my French Exchange Student did at prom.

I was wrong.

According to the article, cupping is a method of alternative healing.  Glass domes are heated with flaming alcohol and placed on your back, creating a vacuum that lifts your skin up into the cup and opens your pores.  It’s supposed to realign your energy and release toxins and “blockages.”

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow does it.

Y’all, that does not mean we should cup (do cupping?).  Do you remember what she named her children?

Moses and Apple.

In the past 10 seconds, I have come up with 5 reasons not to cup:

  1. There’s no clinical evidence to support it even though it has been going on since at least 1550 B.C.;
  2. It’s been going on since 1550 B.C., meaning it was invented by people who had no idea what they were doing because they lived *before* the Dark Ages (1100-750 B.C.);
  3. Other options for realigning your energy include: sleeping on the other side of the bed, getting a hair cut, and having a beer;
  4. If the person doing the cupping accidentally spills the alcohol they’re heating up with an open flame, you get flambéed like a crêpe suzette;
  5. It leaves hickeys on your back.  Back hickeys.  Hickeys bigger than any hickey anyone has ever gotten at any prom, anywhere.  Including proms in France.

What the hell.

I mean, I’m Italian, so I’m genetically required to take the bajillion visible pores on my body seriously.  But I would never cup.  I would rather buy $90 worth of Bioré pore strips and use barbecue tongs and a mirror to paste them all over my back.  And then Scott would come home and be all those tongs are for hamburgers.  And I’d be all you don’t understand because your people were, like, Bavarian, and then I’d need help getting into a warm shower because that many pore strips will turn into a plaster cast if you’re not careful.

But if you decide to cup, I won’t judge.  Please just tell us all about it.  The rest of us will eliminate our toxins by sweating, followed by a healthy snack.

I’m thinking homemade hummus. With a good base recipe, the possibilities are endless.  Here, I’ve made scallion hummus, olive hummus, red pepper hummus, and roasted garlic hummus. The recipes below include what I consider the bare minimum of tahini and olive oil.  Without more, these hummuses are on the dry and chunky side.  I leave it to you to add more olive oil or water as you see fit to get a hummus as creamy as you like. You can also throw in paprika, cumin or cayenne and serve it drizzled with olive oil.

I use canned chickpeas now because the past two times I made hummus with dried chickpeas, I forgot they were soaking and then they sprouted.  It was weird.

There are lots of great hummus recipes out there.  Check out this one for white bean hummus from Orangette and this one from Smitten Kitchen.  Heck, throw your own down in the comments.

[Update: one reader threw down a helpful, funny guide to making your hummus creamy.  She recommends peeling the chickpeas and creaming the tahini, oil, lemon and salt together first.]

{Download & Print Recipes}

Basic Hummus

Ingredients:

1 can garbanzo beans (chickpeas)

2 tbsp. lemon juice (1 good lemon should be enough)

3 tsp.  olive oil (plus more, if desired, to taste)

1 tsp.  tahini

1/8 tsp. salt

Directions:

Drain and rinse chickpeas. Puree ingredients in a food processor, adding water or oil until desired consistency is reached.

[Note: I use a very minimal amount of olive oil because that's just the way I like it, so mine is on the chunky side.  If you like creamy hummus, like Sabra brand, just keep adding olive oil (or water,  if you want a lower fat content).  Adjust the salt to taste.  Tahini has a peanuty-flavor, and this recipe goes light on that also. More can be added for a richer hummus.]

Roasted Garlic Hummus

Ingredients:

1 can garbanzo beans (chickpeas)

1 head garlic

2 tbsp. lemon juice (1 good lemon should be enough)

4 tsp.  olive oil (plus more, if desired, to taste)

1 tsp.  tahini

1/8 tsp. salt

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Remove the outer layer of skin from the head of garlic.  (There is skin around every individual clove as well as skin that grows over the whole head of garlic. Just remove the outer layer so each clove is only surrounded by its own skin.

Cut 1/4-1/2 inch off the top of the head of garlic, so that the top of each clove is chopped off.  (If you can’t chop all the cloves, including the far outside ones, in one chop, just slice the tops of the outside ones off separately.)

Spoon 1 tsp. of the olive oil over the head of garlic so that it sinks down into the cloves.

Place in a muffin tin or on a baking sheet, and cover the head of garlic with tin foil. Roast for about 45 minutes or until the garlic is soft and light golden.  Check periodically to make sure the garlic does not turn brown.

When garlic is cool enough to handle, peel away the skin and use a butter knife or your fingers to slide the cloves out.

Drain and rinse chickpeas. Puree the chickpeas with the 2 tsp. remaining olive oil, the garlic, and the other ingredients in a food processor.  Add more water or oil until desired consistency is reached.

Roasted Red Pepper Hummus

Ingredients:

1 can garbanzo beans (chickpeas)

2/3 c. roasted red peppers, drained

2 tbsp. lemon juice (1 good lemon should be enough)

3 tsp.  olive oil (plus more, if desired, to taste)

1 tsp.  tahini

1/8 tsp. salt

Directions:

Drain and rinse chickpeas. Puree ingredients in a food processor, adding water or oil until desired consistency is reached.

[Note: I use a very minimal amount of olive oil because that's just the way I like it, so mine is on the chunky side.  If you like creamy hummus, like Sabra brand, just keep adding olive oil (or water,  if you want a lower fat content).  Adjust the salt to taste.  Tahini has a peanuty-flavor, and this recipe goes light on that also. More can be added for a richer hummus.]

Olive Hummus

Ingredients:

1 can garbanzo beans (chickpeas)

About 12-15 kalamata or french gigante olives (pitted)

2 tbsp. lemon juice (1 good lemon should be enough)

3 tsp.  olive oil (plus more, if desired, to taste)

1 tsp.  tahini

Directions:

Drain and rinse chickpeas. Puree ingredients in a food processor, adding water or oil until desired consistency is reached.

This recipe does not call for salt because the olives are salty, but you can adjust as you see fit.

[Note: I use a very minimal amount of olive oil because that's just the way I like it, so mine is on the chunky side.  If you like creamy hummus, like Sabra brand, just keep adding olive oil (or water,  if you want a lower fat content).  Tahini has a peanuty-flavor, and this recipe goes light on that also. More can be added for a richer hummus.]

Scallion Hummus

Ingredients:

1 can garbanzo beans (chickpeas)

5 scallions (green onions)

2 tbsp. lemon juice (1 good lemon should be enough)

3 tsp.  olive oil (plus more, if desired, to taste)

1 tsp.  tahini

1/8 tsp. salt

Directions:

Drain and rinse chickpeas. Rinse the scallions, remove the very tops and the roots from the bulb, and chop roughly.

Puree ingredients in a food processor, adding water or oil until desired consistency is reached.

[Note: I use a very minimal amount of olive oil because that's just the way I like it, so mine is on the chunky side.  If you like creamy hummus, like Sabra brand, just keep adding olive oil (or water,  if you want a lower fat content).  Tahini has a peanuty-flavor, and this recipe goes light on that also. More can be added for a richer hummus.] Thunder could never do alternative healing. She’s way too wiggly. P.S. Now I’m worried that little Moses and Apple are going to grow up thinking that it’s okay to give someone an enormous hickey in exchange for cash.  And at some point that could get really weird.  And then we’ll all have to read about that, too.  That’s why I don’t read the paper.

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